Marriage: An All-Too-Forsaken Covenant
In some ways, I hesitate to write on this topic because I’ve never been married and I worry that some may think me unqualified to share on this subject, but I am so grieved lately, as several people I know have divorced their spouse and quickly found another and, even more appalling to me, they are finding acceptance in the Church. Marriage is no longer sacred. Some people change spouses like they were socks: easy come, easy go. This really breaks my heart.
I know it is not easy living with someone day in and day out. Maybe your wife is a nag or your husband snores or doesn’t clean up after himself. Maybe you’re just tired of looking at him or her but, friends, when God created marriage, He designed it to reflect the relationship between Him and His Church. Now that I think about it, maybe that’s the problem. Just as many in the Church have left their first love, husbands and wives are doing the same thing.
“And this second thing you do. You cover the Lord’s altar with tears, with weeping and groaning because he no longer regards the offering or accepts it with favor from your hand. But you say, ‘Why does he not?’ Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant. Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth. For the man who does not love his wife but divorces her, says the Lord, the God of Israel, covers his garment with violence, says the Lord of hosts. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and do not be faithless” (Mal. 2:13-16).
When a woman marries a man, she feels secure. She believes that he loves her and she, in turn, loves him. Over time, the “feelings” of love and emotion may wane. This is when a couple will either fall apart or begin to work on keeping their love alive. If you are led by emotion instead of by the Spirit of God, you may choose to give up the mundane for something that seems more exciting but let me remind you that sin seems pleasurable for a time, but it will end in spiritual death. Every decision you make needs to be lined up against the Word of God.
I hesitate to write this because I know a lot of people who have been divorced and are on second or third marriages. Some of these people are very good friends of mine. My purpose in writing this is not to heap condemnation on those who have already gone through this. I am also not naive enough to think that everyone who becomes divorced wants the divorce. If a spouse is determined to leave, there is often nothing to do but let him or her go. I do hope, however, that someone will read this (who may be thinking about leaving his or her family) and will remember that God gave him or her a life partner to have and to hold, to love and to cherish, in good times and bad times, through sickness and health, whether wealthy or poor. There were no stipulations on those vows you made. Love is not a feeling; it is a choice. Maturity comes when you choose to love someone who isn’t always easy to love or live with and yet you know God put this person in your life and you determine to bear with them anyway. You agree to let God continue the work that He’s begun in you so that your whole family can better grow in Him.
I hope you can hear my heart. My parents divorced when I was eight, so I know how painful it is when two people who once loved each other decide they can no longer live under the same roof. I am not trying to heap guilt on anyone. That is not my job anyway. But I do beg those who are in a turbulent marriage: do not leave divorce as an option. If there really is no way you can continue to live with your spouse and you choose to move out, continue to pray for your spouse and ask God to bring reconciliation. That is His heart. I know a lady whose husband moved out to have an affair with another woman. His wife never stopped praying for him and, one day, several years later, he finally came to the place where he was willing to humble himself and repent and go back home. God’s hand is never too short, no matter how hopeless a situation seems.
It seems like there is still a lot of the “If it feels good, do it” mentality going on today, but I want to remind you that everything we do needs to be measured against the Word of God. If the Bible condemns an action, there is nothing you can say to justify it.
Don’t buy into the world’s thinking, that there are better “fish in the sea.” Begin to see your wife as the beautiful person that God put in your life to teach you how to love. Take time to look at your husband and see the man of God that he could be if he had a wife who was willing to love and encourage him in his endeavors. If you have been married a while, you may have developed some very bad habits, such as cutting each other down or being self-serving, but habits can be broken and must be if your marriage is to survive.
In case there is a single person who actually took time to read this and is still hanging in, let me encourage you to make sure that the person you marry is the one that God has for you. Once you say “I do,” you will need to go back to that assurance from time to time when things begin to get rough and your spouse turns out to be harder to live with than you ever dreamed possible when you saw him or her through eyes of love. I also believe that love does not have to wane. God can put a love in your heart which is new every morning. The key is having a servant’s heart. Instead of marrying for what you can get out of the relationship, look for the things you will be able to give. If you stay in that mode, it will go a long way in ensuring a happy marriage.
Sony, What a wonderful message that you present. My wife and I have four sons, all grown and married. Two for a second time. Our oldest is on his second marriage and he and his wife were having some problems. He was discussing it with our youngest son by phone. Our youngest told the oldest, “Well, my wife and I have come to one conclusion. Divorce is not an option.” That was the wisest statement I have ever heard. This January 14 and February 14, both became grandparents for the first time. Both sons are still married and I Praise the Lord for that.
Our number Son #2 was getting married for the first time when I mentioned to him to make sure it is right. He said, “Oh, if it doesn’t work out we’ll just get a divorce. I told him “If that’s the attitude you go into the Marriage you will surely get a divorce.” He did and He did. Second marriage was not his fault for the divorce. He is a much wiser man today, but it took him two marriages to find it out.
That’s it, Tom. If divorce is in your vocabulary, it will probably come to pass. I love seeing couples that have been married 40 and more years. Unfortunately, that is few and far between these days.
Excellent article on a subject that has been on my mind a lot recently. Far too many deliberately ignoring God’s teaching on marriage and purity before marriage and then having huge weddings we are supposed to attend and listen to them make vows before God that they have not already kept, or will not keep in the future. Disheartening! I pray always for the new heaven and earth.
Sony, It was nice to see your response. My wife and I have been married for 57 years as of last March 5. She is my pride and joy. Also my best friend. Do we have our moments? YES! However, she probably has them with me too. We are both only human and creatures of God. We both love the Lord with all our hearts.
You mention that being married over 40 years are too few and far between. Actually, it is not in the circles we travel in. Most of our friends have been married 40 plus or are married for a short time only because they both lost spouses after many years of marriage. God Bless you and your ministry you have here.
Sony,
As someone who has been through a divorce, I know first-hand the devastation it causes, both to the person going through it and for any children they may have. As you know, I got custody of my two children when I divorced. If I hadn’t, I probably wouldn’t be here today. I was not a Christian when I got married or when I got divorced. After the divorce, the only thing I had was my children. I went through a very bad depression and thought very seriously about suicide. My children were the reason I didn’t do it. I could not do that to them. Less than a year later, I was saved.
My children had a rough time as well.Even though we lived close to their mom for the first five years after the divorce, they didn’t see her much. After we moved to a different state, they didn’t see her but maybe once or twice a year, even though we were still only 75 miles away from where she lived. My heart has broken many times for my children when I would see them cry because they wanted their mom around. My 26-year-old son, who as you know has a form of autism, still cries for her sometimes.
I really feel for those who go through divorce because I know exactly how bad it is. I could write much more about it but even now, some 17 years after my divorce, it can still be difficult at times to talk about it.